Pity Party - My house - Next Saturday.

My co-workers and I seem to have a lot to grouse about lately. I think it's time to throw a Pity Party! At a really good pity party, everyone in attendance takes turns spilling their cares and woos. No one but the speaker would dare to really interrupt - we're just there to make the appropriate noises at the appropriate moments. "Oooo." "Oh No!" "Really?" "I'm soooo sorry."

No one offers advice at a pity party. You aren't invited for your opinion, you're just there to commiserate. That would be the the whole point of a pity party.

As I see it, sometimes we just want/need/really desire someone to just listen. Or we want everyone to listen. Just listen, don't speak. We don't need advice or a lecture or any words of wisdom from your Aunt Chloe. All we are looking for is a nod of your head, a knowing look in your eye, or a pat on the shoulder. That will suffice, thank you very much.

Knowing that this is how we all really feel, we now need to recognize this same need in our friends. For instance, when one co-worker is complaining about another co-worker - listen closely. Are they wanting advice or are they just venting? Sometimes a single shocked look on your face is enough response. Vindication for their thought process is what they are looking for, no clever retort or inspirational message is necessary. Pleas call for advice, venting calls for a pity party.

I love my co-workers. We are such a fun disfunctional bunch. Not to long after reading my entry on drowning my phone, one of my co-workers dropped and broke her's. Her view screen looked like a Jackson Polleck painting. I would have loved to enlarge it and hang it on my wall. Mostly white with a large, thick black streak coming from the bottom right corner to the center and other black specks on the rest of the screen. Nice work. Anyway... she felt compelled to call and share her story. She obviously knew I would appreciate it, but she wasn't looking for advice and she wasn't looking for chastisement. She didn't need advice - suffice it to say it's not the first time something like this has happend, and, under the circumstances, who the hell was I to chastise? She just wanted to share what was clearly a momenot of both angst and hilarity for her. She didn't need me to add to her burdens, just share in the humor. I was extremely happy to do so, I must say!

Another of my co-workers is dealing with the economic crisis. She has a laid-off husband and a teenage son. Enough said. Sometimes she needs to vent about one or the other, or both! I've had both of those too - the stay-at-home hubby with too much time on his hands, and I've raised two boys. I could have a lot of stories to interject when she is venting, but I have to remember that this is her moment, her stage, and it's not about me.

The more you learn to not spew out the instantaneous thoughts that immediately pop into your head, the more you should have the favor returned. Of course, some people never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, grasp this concept. They simply don't recognize the existence of this concept and everything will always be about them. Their lives are one big pity party where they are the guest of honor. They cannot hear a story - sometimes they can't even hear two words of a story - without interrupting with a one-upping, totally awesome, story of their own. If your child made the swim team, their child had been scouted by Major League Baseball. If your uncle had a heart attack, their grandfather saved someone who was having a massive coronary on a plane to London. If you have a headache, their cousin Sophie had one once that turned out to be a brain tumor, don't you know?

We all know this person. Hopefully, however, recognizing how much this person irritates the crap out of us, we're all better people for knowing them. I like to think it's the main reason for their existance - to teach the rest of us. We should learn from their example, not to do exactly what they do all the time. I know that sometimes the story that pops into your head and makes you want to raise your hand and go "Ooo....ooo" like you're a first-grader who has to use the potty, can sometimes actually be related to the storyteller's tale. If you truly feel that your story is just too precious (horrible, disastrous, cute..) not to tell, my advice is to store it. Listen to the pity party person like you should. Take your story out of storage later, analyze it and if you still feel it is absolutely necessary (appropriate, important...) to share with them, bring it up at a later time. "Do you remember earlier when you were telling that story about little Johnny? Well...that reminded me of the time when...."

That way you haven't stolen their moment and you get to have one of your own! Two separate pity moments in one day for two separate people. Everyone wins, no losers.

Pity parties aren't always about true pity - more about just giving the spotlight up for a moment. I think they're a great idea. Whether it is a single moment of a single day when you focus entirely on someone else, or a true 'let's go out for drinks and vent' spur-of-the-moment gathering. Pity parties happen every day over the lunch table, the dinner table, on Facebook exchanges, text messages or phone calls, at casual parties and stodgy business meetings.

We're all, myself included, guilty of being a bad pity party guest at one time or another. Usually on a daily basis. It's only human. Put this in the back of your mind (with that story about you friend Susie), and next time you find yourself at such an event, just remember the rules. Actually just remember the one rule - It's not about you - right now.

Pity party - my house - next Saturday. And you're welcome.

Holly