What if I had done that instead?

Life is full of what-ifs, could-have-beens and might-have-beens. From simple "If I had had a salad for lunch instead of pizza, I might not feel so sleepy right now" to "If I had not married him, I could be a corporate executive by now." So many choices - so many different levels of severity, but all important to the individual. Unfortunately, it's something I think about every day - I seem to have made more than my share of bad decisions in my life. I envy those people who have few regrets.

The first big bad decision I can remember is my choice of clothing for my first day of high school. It was the first year my private Lutheran high school had decided to let girls wear pants (and no, it wasn't the 50's!). My mother had taken me shopping and in spite of the fact that she already had four other children either in or already out of this school, let me buy red, white and blue checked pants. Three-inch checks. I thought they were the greatest, but probably not the best choice considering five minutes after I got to school, the vice-principal came up to me and said 'Do you think those were the best choice?" Those pants never saw the light of day again. But, what if I hadn't worn them? The vice-principal never would have noticed me and he might not have black-balled me from the choir after try-outs. I'm not a bad singer, so I chalked it up to that or the fact that he had disliked my brother and maybe was taking it out on me. Or maybe it was a combination of both. Either way, I blame the pants - or my decision to wear the pants. I guess, technically, the pants were innocent - but that doesn't stop that memory from being permanently etched in my brain. If you've read my previous blogs, you know that is something!

Other decisions that may have been questionable, but on a much larger scale, were getting sucked into party life by my first college roomate and neglecting my studies. Ok, to put the blame where it belongs, I allowed myself to be sucked into part life. I learned that lesson, quit that school and started commuting to a community college - much better for me...but what if I hadn't met her.....would I have stayed at that university and graduated from there? If that I happened, I might not have ever met my first husband, and quit school to get married. There is no what-if about that bad decision. Quitting school to marry a nineteen-year-old musician (who, in his defense, was studying to be an electrical engineer)? No nineteen-year-old musician has sown all his wild oats, which became apparent, oh, approximately twelve days after our wedding which was the first time I recall him cheating on me. We were married about a year - we actually signed divorce papers while out to dinner celebrating our first anniversary. It was slightly awkward when the waiter brought us a cake. Chris, by the way, is now a successful electrical engineer on his third marriage. During his second marriage, he tried to have an affair with me - one bad decision I did not make, thank heavens. He got a college education, I got a divorce.

My second marriage I can't regret, because it gave me my children. Well, technically, I guess we didn't have to be married to have the children and knowing Gary as I do, he would have been fine with that too. Of course he would have been married to someone else at the time (you know, the woman he was engaged to when I met him.) I would not trade my children for anything. I made a lot of mistakes raising them, but they're intelligent, don't do drugs, they're not alcoholics and they never killed the neighbor's cat. All in all, not bad these days. I might have restricted the video games more and forced them to do more outdoor play, but those were hard times and I just wanted them to be happy. (For the record, I don't blame video games for kid's behavior, it just keeps them inside and to quiescent). I don't think their father ever took a break from cheating on me. Not many staid expressions are rock solid, but the 'once a cheater, always a cheater' seems to be one that is true - at least in my experience.

So...if I had never married him, my life path would have changed dramatically. I might still be working for a big three company - I might even be an executive by now. I might have married my current husband under much different circumstances and maybe had more children. Heaven only knows.

I can say with absolute certainty that I've made a few bad monetary decisions. If I hadn't bought this and that I might have had more money in savings. If my husband had kept his 9-5 job instead of starting his own company, we probably would be more financially secure, but he would be miserable, so who can call supporting him in that a bad decision? I know he would back me if I wanted to leave my job. Should I have insisted that my son go to a less expensive school? Maybe, but then I see how much he has grown in some aspects. He's really happy there and isn't it my responsibilty to see him be happy. I wanted to raise strong independent children and that I achieved (or over-achieved!). I have a soft-spot for my kids, as do most people, and it has cost me financially - from the over abundance of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle action figures to cars and college tuition. But I can't regret any of those decisions. I probably should, but I don't. (My husband might differ with me on this, but he indulges me, bless his heart, becuase he feels these are his kids too, and he doesn't have to look like a softy - he can point it all back to me.)

I really, really, would like to quit my job and write a book. There are about ten of them running around in my head (just ask my sister - she's heard all the plots), but I just can't make that financial leap right now. I should have made this leap about twenty years ago - not making that decision I absolutely do regret. First it was - "I'll have my first book published by the time I'm forty." Then it became fifty - and even that is not realistic at all now. So, I guess I'll have to shoot for sixty. Tis is not a goal, however that I'm prepared to give up. I've not, nor will I ever, give up that dream.

Right now, in my life, I can think of at least a dozen major decisions I could make regarding my job, my family, my health, my BMI, my hair (hey - it's a major decision for me!) and a myriad of other things. It just all seems too...........hard. Baby steps, even for adults, are often necessary.

This blog was a decision for me, and I think it was a good one. My friends were the impetus behind this decision - bless them all. Thanks guys - I'll always remember and never regret this decision, or you.

Holly